Affirmations

Saving my blogs from my facebook and myspace (whospace?) A favorite!

With my 30^th birthday just days away, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what I’ve gotten out of the past ten years.  Starting off as a child and now being an adult is quite a bit to take even in ten years.  So here are some things that come to mind.  Granted, I’m still working on them and no one is perfect.  The whole point is to constantly assess and so far this is what I’ve come up with (some positive and others not so much.)  I’m looking forward to seeing what the next ten years brings me and who will be a part of my journey.  Hope to see you all on the flip side.  Thanks for a great decade. 

.. ..

Here we go….

People lie.  And they lie often.  It’s a sign of a couple of things but mostly it’s a sign of lack of ownership and maturity.  Personal integrity is never overrated.  I generally don’t pick up on the lying till it’s too late and I always like to give the benefit of the doubt but hey, I’m also realistic. 

Drama is overrated.  Be above it and stay out of it.  Even when the noise gets unbearable.

Those that create drama have no room in my life.  Life is too short to spend it on petty and trivial things. 

Even though family can drive you nuts they are the only ones that matter. And a friend that has earned the highest level of loyalty is like family but those friends are few and far between.  Even when you think they are plentiful, they really are not.

Moms and Dads, regardless of quirks, are generally nose on about life.  As they should be…and as we should be when we get to where they are. Life is cyclical.  Pay attention.

Trust and loyalty are hardest things to earn but the most easiest to lose. Treasure those two values like the gold they’re worth.  Sometimes there just isn’t enough “sorrys” in the world to go back to the days when things were perfect.  Don’t be a person someone can’t trust.

Integrity will never go out of style.

Love is a funny verb.  Like trust and loyalty it should be saved for the most pristine in your life.  It isn’t something to dole out like candy.  Guard it.  It makes it that much more special when you actually use it.

Compassion is like karma.  You should have it for others always because you never know when you’re going to need it yourself. 

Materialism is severely overrated.  There will be days when the coffers are full and other days when being able to pay the rent is questionable. Learn to be happy with the little things.  And learn to earn what you have.  Nothing is entitled.  And you are never the exception.

Hard work and perseverance are character builders.  Never shrink from building your character. 

The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions.  What can you do to make it a better situation versus waiting for everyone else to get their act together?  

Type A-ness only goes so far and is severely overrated.  I’m a type B on most things because most things are truly non-essentials but we forget that and spend way too much time on things that just don’t matter in the big picture.  Relax.  The world won’t end because the smallest of details are not perfect.  This also counts when planning weddings, funerals, group activities, etc. 

Smile often, love often, and give often. 

If you use the word ownership, it counts for you too.  Not just a word to use for everyone else to help prove something to you.  Ownership is everyone’s business.  We should all be taking part in being responsible for our actions. 

Don’t have the mentality of being above others.  It actually looks pretty tacky and I promise most people notice it and think of how many steps below you are for trying to act that way. 

Gandhi had it right.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Even if that means you’re standing alone.  Eventually, if the cause is right, everyone else will catch on. 

Saying “ please” and “thank you” never goes out of style.  Politeness is a sign of respect and we should always respect ourselves and each other. 

Having a sense of humor gets you through life.  If you can’t find a way to laugh about it or through it, maybe you need to look at it differently and try again.   It keeps the heart open and the mind clear.

You cannot eat an elephant all in one bite.  It takes a lot of bites.  And one bite at a time.  Sometimes you just need to focus on getting through today and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.  Have goals and dreams but remember one bite at a time.  Especially on the hard stuff. 

Choices are all within your control.  And choices make life go round.  Have you checked on what kind of life choices you’re making lately?  Do they pass the test that you can share them with others?  If not, rethink them, change them, and move on. 

Don’t dwell on the mistakes you have made.  Everyone has a sob story and no one wants to hear it.  What people want to see is the success you draw on from moving forward and being the best person you can be. 

Goals and dreams are nothing to laugh at or to push off for another day. They should live on your refrigerator door that way you see them often and have them in your thoughts always.  Revise them when necessary. Keep them updated.  Speak of them often.  And never give up on them.

Hello, my name is Audrey and I have PCOS

I've been participating in a program to help control my PCOS through natural and holistic ways. I find that I've been posting a lot of PCOS articles and thoughts on my FB page but I think now is the time to share the whole enchilada. I've had so many women come to me and tell me that they appreciate my inspiring posts or informative information and the fact that I am outspoken about such a personal issue. I think if my words help just one woman feel like it will be ok then all my Pollyanna statements and articles are worth it.

PCOS affects 10% of women. For everyone of us it means something different. There are "thin cysters," "heavy cycsters," and even just "average cysters." Some of us find we are losing our hair in the same places men go bald because of high testosterone levels. Others of us find we have hair in places men grow hair for the same reason. And even worst some of us have thinning, balding, receding hair lines and grow hair on our chins, necks, lips, back, stomach, feet, toes, fingers, etc. Our androgen levels are too high or off balance. We don't menstruate on a regular basis and that can mean our fertility "plumbing" doesn't work so well. While some women have children with or without help some of us are unable to get pregnant. Acne can be a problem. Weight in the waist as well as insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome is common. Those are just some of the visible symptoms. It's the the ones going on below the surface that scare me the most. Inflammation markers tend to be high, "cysters" get bumped up to the front of the line for diseases like heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, certain cancers, high cholesterol, gluten allergies, UTIs, depression, anxiety, irritable bowel syndrome and the list goes on.

I'm doing a week long PCOS intensive and we had to write an intro about ourselves and our journey... here is part of mine:

I first knew something was wrong when I was 15 or 16. All the other girls were having their periods and I learned how to use a set of tweezers. At age 19 I still wasn't having a period and my PA told me she thought I might have this thing called PCOS but don't worry, any girl would give to go without their period naturally. At 25 I still wasn't having a period and thought that it was time to "be an adult" and face to music of what was wrong with my body. I always struggled losing weight but put it on easily. And the tweezers had turned into a monthly waxing appointment with a tweeze session on Friday afternoons so I could go out with ease on Friday nights with my girlfriends without fear of being mocked for hair that grew on my face (I mean, come on! like I wanted it in the first place, right????)

I often describe going through puberty at 25. After all the typical PCOS blood test, ob-gyn appointments, and internist visits I was given BC, told to quit smoking and that while the average girl should run for 30 mins I should run for 45-60. Keep that up and I should be fine. Over the next couple of years the blood tests continued and this white blood count test was always done and convenietly I would be sick or whatnot so they chalked up the "higher than normal" test results to being ill. I had no idea that my inflammation marker has never been below a 7 and has been high as 13 or that I should be concerned about this! No one even suggested even how to get it down. "Just keep running, Audrey" The weight continued to creep up. My cholesterol was never much over 200 but my bad was too high, my good was too low and my trys were in the 450s! (they should never be above 150 (don't quote me on that one) and high trys are what lead to clogged arteries and heart attacks) At 25 I ballooned from 180 lbs (I was always comfortable at 175-180) to 200 and from 2007 to 2011 reached all the way up to 223. Was told to "keep running, join weight watchers" you'll be fine.

At one point (about three years ago) I was playing soccer, volleyball, did Turbokick up to four times a week and would go to the gym in my spare time (although I was working full-time and going to school full-time) and I actually put on about 10 lbs that year. I found my "soulmate" work out through the company Beach Body where I found one of my biggest mentors, Chalene Johnson and Turbo Kick. The doctors kept telling me to keep running but I don't know about you all, the treadmill really sucks! I finally found an exercise that was high intensity and that I couldn't wait for the next class. I actually got out of bed at 4:45 am twice a week to go and "kick butt!" and while I wasn't losing any weight my cholesterol numbers started to go down and my moods weren't all over the place. And if I did feel rather moody or angry I just "kicked it out" in Turbo.

It was this time last year that I was in my turbo class and had a PVST moment where my heart rate went up to 220 and got stuck. Getting wheeled out on a gurney during my favorite activity--my personal AJ time was embarressing and heart breaking. And it shattered the last bit of confidence I had left. I just didn't know it yet. After a month or so I started randomly freaking out--long story short and a lot of doctors later I was diagnosed with severe Generalized Anxiety disorder. I was a mess. My body bascially took over because I wasn't taking care of it. It took six months to get the panic attacks to slow down. During all this time my blood was drawn again and all my levels were up. Now I had the start of something called "fatty liver" and my cholesterol was 210. Anxiety did help one thing though...I lost 27 lbs.

I started a meal replacement shake called Shakeology and started taking a few extra supplements like fish oil, vit D, magnesium and I felt better. My cholesterol dropped significantly and my inflammation markers were lower but still high. The panic started to get under control and I was starting to feel like "me" again. I was still deathly afraid of the gym. My weight started to creep back up and my moods were all over the place again. My doctor told me I had to get back on the gym routine. I just didn't have it in me. The school year started (I work at the local Univeristy) and the stress factor shot through the roof. This doesn't help PCOS or anxiety. I was put on Zoloft and Kolonopin to help with anxiety, depression and the inner anger I was always feeling.

Throughout my journey with PCOS there have been many times I felt it was taking over but I hit a total wall about October and that's when I found PCOS Diva through FB. I had been struggling with the concept of never having children and preparing myself that it may just never happen. All I felt was anger. Anger at this disease that robbed me of so many things about being a woman. I started looking at different PCOS sites on FB and Amy's impressed me the most. I started reading her site on a regular basis and saw she had a program to become a PCOS diva and after our first conversation was overwhelmed with information but felt like I had run out of options...perhaps the healthy option should have been the first option...who knew?? :)

So that's a big part of my PCOS story. Right now I'm in month four of a six month of my PCOS Diva program. I've learned so much about food and about myself. I feel so better on the inside and its starting to show on the outside. My weight is finally dropping again, my anxiety is under better control and I don't feel so angry about everything all the time. My energy levels are way up as well.

I may have kids one day, I may not. I'm still working on acceptance of that one. Personally, some of the other health concerns of PCOS have my attention more than getting pregnant. I also do not believe that motherhood is only for those who have pushed watermelons out of their vajays. (a whole other blog for a different time) That is definitely one of those things if it's going to happen I'll let it happen naturally. I'm not about pumping myself full of hormones to force my body to have kids. And I'm ok with that.

For my "soul-cysters" out there...there is hope. Everyone's PCOS is different but I didn't find any relief through traditional medicine. I found it through eating the right foods, cooking at home and reducing the stress in my life. There are lots of PCOS sites out there. Some of my favorites like PCOS Diva finally gave me answers I have been looking for for over 14 years.

Good luck in your journeys and know you are not alone!

Recovery and Remission..

I'm always going to have anxiety. Generally once it shows up, it never goes away. But it didn't just show up. After a lot of reflecting, I've been living with anxiety issues since I was a kid. It was only this past winter it decided to grab my attention by basically knocking me on my ass.

The last few months have been quiet though. Slowly things have been going back to a more normal kind of pace. I don't google or check my heart rate. I still think about it from time to time but there is a giant difference between doing and thinking. I still haven't made it back to the gym. Demons suck.

I've had a few setbacks. I was on Zoloft for most of the summer. And it was a terrible experience. Actually, it did what it was suppose to do. It shut me off and made me numb to my surroundings but because of that I felt like I was in a giant void. All I felt inside to anything was "shrug, ok." And it made me so sad. I felt like swerving into the other lane of traffic or slamming my hand into the door just to feel something. I put 15 lbs back on without changing anything and I can't seem to get it to budge. For a couple of weeks I shrugged at the idea of sex and cried about everything that had happen to me in my life. I do not know what part of "anti-depressent" this was all suppose to be part of but I've been happier on nothing so, I weened myself off of it and have been Zoloft free for about three weeks. That 15 lbs can go away anytime now!

I think this was the summer of reflection. How did I get here? Where am I going? Will I ever be happy? What the heck is happy?

I think in a nutshell I've been doing a lot of wishing. Wishing for a different life. Wishing for a body that doesn't respond the way it does, physically and emotionally. Wishing for the shouldas/wouldas. And well, they just don't exist. I must accept what I have in front of me are the cards dealt. There isn't a trade-in round.

Now, you may think "how does this deal with anxiety?" I would be a fool not to recognize that it all ties together. I can wish on falling stars forever but it doesn't do me any good. My actions and choices is what will get me thru whatever it is I need to get thru--the infamous pushing the rock and pushing it forward, ignoring the haters and naysayers sitting on the sidelines.

So right now I'm working on coming to terms with a lot of things. The biggest one is accepting my life for what it is. Accepting contentment in my life. My life plan changed. That dream I had when I was 21 cannot fit in my life at 31. It's not a bad thing. It's just.... different. And instead of wishing for that life, looking at what I have now and changing the things I can and accepting the things I cannot.

That's a hard one. But I'm working on it.

And as I continue my journey of acceptance, hopefully my anxiety (and depression...as they love to live together) will continue to stay in remission. I'm still fragile though. Any amount of stress conjurs up my anxious demons as they are always waiting right around the corner. And that's where I have to make the choice to not hide behind it and shut down but to recognize it for what it is and keep pushing forward.

For now "goodnight and good luck." AJ

Treadmill Stress Test

I'm going to be a bit lazy and paste what I wrote in my panic/anxiety forum about my stress test I had done today.

Just a little background, my panic attacks returned last weekend and I had my first panic attack while driving to work last Tuesday. After being pumped full of Ativan and going through the motions to make sure I didn't have a heart attack, I went home feeling so defeated and angry as I felt like I got the treatment of "oh the crazy girl who can't handle life, pump her full of benzos and send her on her way."

When did I become the crazy girl? Or at least, when did I become the girl that needs to be pumped full of meds to get through life? After my benzo coma wore off (like six hours later) I just was so angry at myself and at the things in my life I have identified as anxiety triggers.

Anyways (that's another blog for another time!) I went to my primary doc the next day (what a responsible person should do after they go to the E.R) and now that's where my other blog comes in.....so here you go:



So I have yet to post anything in the success thread and I feel like maybe this is something worthy of success reporting. (although I'm sure I've had a few successes but they're much harder to recognize than setbacks or problems!)

So last week I wrote about having a major panic attack while driving and that it was the first time this had happened to me. I freaked out and went to the E.R. as I haven't had a panic attack in some time and wanted to make sure that was all it really was. Of course (and thankfully) that's all it was and I said how defeated I felt that I was having continued panic attacks after not having one in a few months. I followed up with my primary doctor the next day and she tried to help me recognize (again) that this was indeed anxiety and that I was a relatively healthy person.

She's been encouraging me to get back to the gym as she knows that this has been my hobby and passion for the last couple of years but I just haven't been able to go as I've been scared. All the what ifs. (what if i get another SVT attack, what if my BP goes too high, what if I have a brain anyersim (sp), what if, what if, what if......) So last week she ordered a treadmill stress test as she felt it would help me accept my anxiety just a little bit more.

So today was the day and I did the test. The cardiologist listened to me. I was pretty nervous to start (heart rate was in the 90's to 100's and BP was 150/90.....it was 124/84 last week at my last dr check up) I got all hooked up to the EKG machine, got my work out clothes on (its been months!), got my rainbow Nikes on and started the test.

Lasted almost 10 mins (he told me 9 mins is average) and ended with 4.2 mph at a 16% incline. Heart did fine, BP did fine, I did fine.

I did it. I didn't collapse at the start of the test. He didn't find anything glaring on the test. My heart did just fine. I didn't pass out after he turn the machine off. My BP didn't sky rocket and my head pop. (Actually my BP evened out as you can't be anxious and walk at the same time....at least I can't....) And I actually lasted a little bit past the average!

I told myself if everything went a-ok at this appt my next challenge was going to my regular cardio class and attending. It's on Thursday at 5:30 a.m. And while I've taken four months off so I'll be going really slow, I am ready to get my shoes back on and get back in the gym. (still nervous but I'm going to push through) So on Thursday, I'll write another success story about going to my cardio class....

Cardio doc said that he of course can't promise I won't ever have another SVT moment but that he felt it was unlikely and that there was ways to take care of it and that SVT is not life threatening (generally) and is something that is easily taken care of. He asked me if this was enough to convince me back into the gym and I said it was enough to get me pointed in the right direction.....

I hate the treadmill but it felt good to move. It felt good to do the ritual of putting my gym clothes on and it felt good tying my neon green laces to the shoes i had special ordered because i love my cardio class that much. It just felt good. And I haven't felt good in a long time :)

Don't Quit

Found this poem today...actually have come to quite a few "epiphanies" today so more blogs to come....but I really liked this so thought I would share it too....

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

Hello, my name is Audrey and I'm a google addict

Hello, my name is Audrey and I'm a google addict....

Google toolbar anyone? Throw in a few key terms and get a plethra of pages that may hold the golden key to what is wrong with me.

WRONG!

More like a plethra of pages to make me worry even more that I'm dying.

So therapy today we spent an hour talking about what good does that do me. Worry--->anxiety--->heart palpitations--->google--->list of new reasons to worry (and repeat!)

Goal for this week. NO GOOGLE! and to continue writing down the things that do come to mind in my journal and write about them later. Ponder, write some more but NO GOOGLE.

(But I'm a google queen....)

Basically I'm an addict but my drug is Google. So we'll see how this goes. It's the first week so hopefully I don't fall off too many times. Wish me luck...

The success story I read over and over and over....

This is from the anxiety forum I follow and today I've read it at least twice as it's been once of those days for some reason...

Some days are great and well other days not so much....today being a "not so much" day. Distracted and worried about my heart as I've been having palpitations all day. My anxiety has been high all day though and they go hand-in-hand. The irrational part of me tells me I'm dying so that's probably why I love this success story so much. I look forward to the day I get there....

"My dear friends

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this forum and my apologies for that. Reason being is that I believe I am now cured from the horrendous nightmare that I have endured for the last 2 years 9 months robbing me of life and costing me so much more in other ways in my relationship, career and general happiness.

This “experience” all began for me back in September 2007. I had an extremely bad virus from which then moved into pneumonia. I finally overcame the illness very slowly, but in the following months I began to suffer all the dreadful symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks from fear of death. Firstly, I thought I was having a heart attack from the pains I was getting in my chest continually. This was the first of the landslide of symptoms, I’m sure you know all about what the other symptoms are so won’t bore you with them. I had recently turned 40 and had issues with the fact I was getting older. Basically my mind was starting to trick me into thinking every sensation or feeling I was getting was the start (or end) of something that was going to kill me or make me faint etc. I didn’t know what “it” was that was happening to me .. and that was half the battle.

I withdrew from life, became agrophobic to a point where I was too scared to get out of bed and have a shower for fear of a heart attack. I made excuses not to see friends or go out to work, parties, restaurants, movies, anything that would spare me the potential embarrassment of having to run out of the building from fear of a panic attack to the safety of home or my car. Panic ruled me and my life. I was put on to drugs like Mirtazapine, Lexapro (put my in hospital that one) and Diazepam. These particular drugs do have a purpose and can assist with the initial hurdle of what you’re facing, but they are masks, a temporary puncher repair kit for a tyre that actually needs changing I like to call it. They can help dullen the sensations and feelings from what you’re facing, but they are no cure. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists and doctor after doctor, spent a small fotune in fees and medicines and nothing worked. Most of the time they looked at me strangely and had no idea what I was talking about, this is a true failing of the health system and the lack of knowledge in what anxiety and panic attack sufferers actually endure.

Within myself I became aggressive, moody, confused, depressed, had hideous disturbing nightmares, no sleep, could not eat (lost 12 kilos – for which I could not afford) would snap at anything or anyone, just like a wounded animal that was suffering. I was not me, I had become a completely different person altogether, I missed my old life, I missed me, I began to forget what normal. I searched the internet endlessly for answers to what I was going through and how I could fix it. I thought I had contracted terrible diseases. Was it diabetes? hyperthyroidism? cancer? Was it a lack of a particular vitamin or mineral in my diet? Was I dehydrated? Or was I slowly slipping into insanity through the stress I had endured throughout my life? Everyday I yearned for this garbage to end, my relationship was suffering and I could see her slowly slipping away from me. I was desperate to get better, tried everything but to no avail. I did not let the cure happen naturally in it’s own time, I was impatient.

So how did all this end and how did I come back to life and being me? Well, firstly it began just before I joined the Panic Away program. One morning I was sitting in bed so dejected, depressed and had given up on life. I got a pain in the left side of my chest and I thought to myself, I hate my life as it is so I just want to move on to the next life. So I said if it’s a heart attack, good, go on and finish it cause I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I completely gave in, was ready to move on and just laid back relaxed and thought good it’s finally over. Within 10 minutes the pain subsided and I was still here. Hmmm, I thought to myself, is this stuff all really a trick? But why did it keep happening continually? It got the cogs turning in my head. I began to do the same thing at work, whilst out or driving. I got extremely light headed, dizzy during this time and again said, right, go on and do it cause I’ve had enough. Then I found Barry’s Panic Away program. In effect I was kind of already doing what Barry was trying to express in his program, but he had gone into much more finer detail in explaining everything. And with his help via email told me I had to go that extra step more in metaphorically jumping off that cliff of fear to see there is nothing to be afraid of. Stay in the situation and ride it out. Initially it tooks hours of agony, but that slowly turned into an hour of agony, then minutes and with time, nothing. I began an exercise regime of running and weights, kept to a good diet, lots of water, no caffeine, no soda drinks, good rest and gallons of chamomile tea (nature’s own diazepam). This on top of doing the mental exercises of facing, accepting and most importantly continued exposure to the things I feared most. My partner and I seperated and I had to start to look after myself. She was my crutch, I relied on her for lots of things and was forced to survive on my own. Although her intentions were kind and loving trying to save her partner from a terrible nightmare by doing things for me, she was actually helping to sustain it, gave it justification for it’s existance. I spoke for hours on end day after day about what I was suffering and she sat and listened, I kept the nightmare alive by doing this. Slowly things began to turn around not long after. I began day shift at work (was on night shift for a year for fear of having to interact with other staff and embarrass myself of running out of buildings or meetings) and faced my fears. I was too scared to go the canteen or even leave my work area, yet now with exposure and within 7 short weeks I am the first to lead the charge to the canteen at lunch time and sit in a crowded group of work colleagues firing off jokes at random just like I used to years ago. No dizziness, no blurry vision, no nausea, no palpitations, no anxiety, nothing. A close work friend put his hands on my shoulders recently and said, “boy we’ve missed you.” My problem is now I never really work that hard, I’m too busy chatting and joking with everyone

I began to turn those “what if” thoughts into “so what” thoughts. It is an instant panic eliminator. If you truly continue on with what you are doing, don’t give the sensation or feeling a second thought or doubt, then there just can be no panic. Nothing launches, no adrenaline is released. This does take practice, but you have to stick with it.

I did have severe setbacks – my recovery was not all roses and sunshine. Sometimes the setbacks felt worse than before it all began. I would lose hope some days, but then as Rocky Balboa said, “I didn’t hear no bell yet, now get up and come back swingin!” So I persisted, kept going, enduring terrifying moments.

Sometimes in life people’s faith just has to be rewarded. Firstly know this, you are NOT mentally ill and don’t ever let anyone try and tell you otherwise. There are those so called professionals and people out there that are so quick to jump to these conclusions that if anything emenates from the brain area you are mentally ill. We have created a subconcious bad anxious HABIT way of thinking over time for which our brains have now accepted as the norm. You have to break that bad habit, you have to face your fears not once, but continually and realise they are nothing but creative interpretations from a fatigued and confused mind. You must stay strong, keep hold of hope and have faith you will overcome this. I along with a lot of other people on this forum are living proof that this can be 100% cured. Don’t read much into anything the cynics say that you can never be cured, most of the time they have not even suffered anxiety or panic attacks themselves, so how can they really give that advice with full sincerity.

This will be the last time I post on this forum as I now have an incredible and beautiful life to go live. Catch up on lost time so to speak. You can still add me as a friend and PM me if you really need me for help and I will be there for you. But I want you to know this. Whenever you think you just can’t take it anymore, have had enough and are ready to collapse in a heap from mental exhaustion I want you to read this post. I want you to read my story and just know from a person who had given up all hope and honestly thought would never get better that there is light at the end of the tunnel of torment and suffering .. and it really is a beautiful light. Life is so good now, even better than it was before I entered this nightmare. I journey off to New Zealand in early September and next year a friend and I are planning a trip to see his brother in the UK, where I will visit places like Paris, Ireland (his wife is from there), Scotland and also Tuscany in Italy.

Bless you Barry Joe, Irene P, Baby Bear, Jim, Dave T, Jenmack and all those others who have helped bring me back into the light. I have never met you in person, but you have my sincerest and heart felt thanks and love always.

In the end, no one other person or tablet could save me. I had to save myself and with the loving guidance from Barry Joe and the kind and caring people on this forum, I discovered the cure. I look back now and think I just can never go down that path ever again, I’m too knowledgable now, I know what it is now. I just don’t even think about anxiety anymore.

I can now sit in traffic with a smile and bop along to a song, stop and talk to people I have not met and get to know them, go to movies, work, shopping, restaurants with friends, I walk tall and proud with my head held high and a smurk that I am a survivor. I take pride in the way I look and feel attractive again. I have no fear of anything anymore, I have no symptoms anymore. I love life passionately, I love my dear friends and work colleagues. I am me again, only better. It’s over, it’s finally over.

Love always
Boromir aka Adrian"