The last few months have been quiet though. Slowly things have been going back to a more normal kind of pace. I don't google or check my heart rate. I still think about it from time to time but there is a giant difference between doing and thinking. I still haven't made it back to the gym. Demons suck.
I've had a few setbacks. I was on Zoloft for most of the summer. And it was a terrible experience. Actually, it did what it was suppose to do. It shut me off and made me numb to my surroundings but because of that I felt like I was in a giant void. All I felt inside to anything was "shrug, ok." And it made me so sad. I felt like swerving into the other lane of traffic or slamming my hand into the door just to feel something. I put 15 lbs back on without changing anything and I can't seem to get it to budge. For a couple of weeks I shrugged at the idea of sex and cried about everything that had happen to me in my life. I do not know what part of "anti-depressent" this was all suppose to be part of but I've been happier on nothing so, I weened myself off of it and have been Zoloft free for about three weeks. That 15 lbs can go away anytime now!
I think this was the summer of reflection. How did I get here? Where am I going? Will I ever be happy? What the heck is happy?
I think in a nutshell I've been doing a lot of wishing. Wishing for a different life. Wishing for a body that doesn't respond the way it does, physically and emotionally. Wishing for the shouldas/wouldas. And well, they just don't exist. I must accept what I have in front of me are the cards dealt. There isn't a trade-in round.
Now, you may think "how does this deal with anxiety?" I would be a fool not to recognize that it all ties together. I can wish on falling stars forever but it doesn't do me any good. My actions and choices is what will get me thru whatever it is I need to get thru--the infamous pushing the rock and pushing it forward, ignoring the haters and naysayers sitting on the sidelines.
So right now I'm working on coming to terms with a lot of things. The biggest one is accepting my life for what it is. Accepting contentment in my life. My life plan changed. That dream I had when I was 21 cannot fit in my life at 31. It's not a bad thing. It's just.... different. And instead of wishing for that life, looking at what I have now and changing the things I can and accepting the things I cannot.
That's a hard one. But I'm working on it.
And as I continue my journey of acceptance, hopefully my anxiety (and depression...as they love to live together) will continue to stay in remission. I'm still fragile though. Any amount of stress conjurs up my anxious demons as they are always waiting right around the corner. And that's where I have to make the choice to not hide behind it and shut down but to recognize it for what it is and keep pushing forward.
For now "goodnight and good luck." AJ
