Don't Quit

Found this poem today...actually have come to quite a few "epiphanies" today so more blogs to come....but I really liked this so thought I would share it too....

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

Hello, my name is Audrey and I'm a google addict

Hello, my name is Audrey and I'm a google addict....

Google toolbar anyone? Throw in a few key terms and get a plethra of pages that may hold the golden key to what is wrong with me.

WRONG!

More like a plethra of pages to make me worry even more that I'm dying.

So therapy today we spent an hour talking about what good does that do me. Worry--->anxiety--->heart palpitations--->google--->list of new reasons to worry (and repeat!)

Goal for this week. NO GOOGLE! and to continue writing down the things that do come to mind in my journal and write about them later. Ponder, write some more but NO GOOGLE.

(But I'm a google queen....)

Basically I'm an addict but my drug is Google. So we'll see how this goes. It's the first week so hopefully I don't fall off too many times. Wish me luck...

The success story I read over and over and over....

This is from the anxiety forum I follow and today I've read it at least twice as it's been once of those days for some reason...

Some days are great and well other days not so much....today being a "not so much" day. Distracted and worried about my heart as I've been having palpitations all day. My anxiety has been high all day though and they go hand-in-hand. The irrational part of me tells me I'm dying so that's probably why I love this success story so much. I look forward to the day I get there....

"My dear friends

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this forum and my apologies for that. Reason being is that I believe I am now cured from the horrendous nightmare that I have endured for the last 2 years 9 months robbing me of life and costing me so much more in other ways in my relationship, career and general happiness.

This “experience” all began for me back in September 2007. I had an extremely bad virus from which then moved into pneumonia. I finally overcame the illness very slowly, but in the following months I began to suffer all the dreadful symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks from fear of death. Firstly, I thought I was having a heart attack from the pains I was getting in my chest continually. This was the first of the landslide of symptoms, I’m sure you know all about what the other symptoms are so won’t bore you with them. I had recently turned 40 and had issues with the fact I was getting older. Basically my mind was starting to trick me into thinking every sensation or feeling I was getting was the start (or end) of something that was going to kill me or make me faint etc. I didn’t know what “it” was that was happening to me .. and that was half the battle.

I withdrew from life, became agrophobic to a point where I was too scared to get out of bed and have a shower for fear of a heart attack. I made excuses not to see friends or go out to work, parties, restaurants, movies, anything that would spare me the potential embarrassment of having to run out of the building from fear of a panic attack to the safety of home or my car. Panic ruled me and my life. I was put on to drugs like Mirtazapine, Lexapro (put my in hospital that one) and Diazepam. These particular drugs do have a purpose and can assist with the initial hurdle of what you’re facing, but they are masks, a temporary puncher repair kit for a tyre that actually needs changing I like to call it. They can help dullen the sensations and feelings from what you’re facing, but they are no cure. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists and doctor after doctor, spent a small fotune in fees and medicines and nothing worked. Most of the time they looked at me strangely and had no idea what I was talking about, this is a true failing of the health system and the lack of knowledge in what anxiety and panic attack sufferers actually endure.

Within myself I became aggressive, moody, confused, depressed, had hideous disturbing nightmares, no sleep, could not eat (lost 12 kilos – for which I could not afford) would snap at anything or anyone, just like a wounded animal that was suffering. I was not me, I had become a completely different person altogether, I missed my old life, I missed me, I began to forget what normal. I searched the internet endlessly for answers to what I was going through and how I could fix it. I thought I had contracted terrible diseases. Was it diabetes? hyperthyroidism? cancer? Was it a lack of a particular vitamin or mineral in my diet? Was I dehydrated? Or was I slowly slipping into insanity through the stress I had endured throughout my life? Everyday I yearned for this garbage to end, my relationship was suffering and I could see her slowly slipping away from me. I was desperate to get better, tried everything but to no avail. I did not let the cure happen naturally in it’s own time, I was impatient.

So how did all this end and how did I come back to life and being me? Well, firstly it began just before I joined the Panic Away program. One morning I was sitting in bed so dejected, depressed and had given up on life. I got a pain in the left side of my chest and I thought to myself, I hate my life as it is so I just want to move on to the next life. So I said if it’s a heart attack, good, go on and finish it cause I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I completely gave in, was ready to move on and just laid back relaxed and thought good it’s finally over. Within 10 minutes the pain subsided and I was still here. Hmmm, I thought to myself, is this stuff all really a trick? But why did it keep happening continually? It got the cogs turning in my head. I began to do the same thing at work, whilst out or driving. I got extremely light headed, dizzy during this time and again said, right, go on and do it cause I’ve had enough. Then I found Barry’s Panic Away program. In effect I was kind of already doing what Barry was trying to express in his program, but he had gone into much more finer detail in explaining everything. And with his help via email told me I had to go that extra step more in metaphorically jumping off that cliff of fear to see there is nothing to be afraid of. Stay in the situation and ride it out. Initially it tooks hours of agony, but that slowly turned into an hour of agony, then minutes and with time, nothing. I began an exercise regime of running and weights, kept to a good diet, lots of water, no caffeine, no soda drinks, good rest and gallons of chamomile tea (nature’s own diazepam). This on top of doing the mental exercises of facing, accepting and most importantly continued exposure to the things I feared most. My partner and I seperated and I had to start to look after myself. She was my crutch, I relied on her for lots of things and was forced to survive on my own. Although her intentions were kind and loving trying to save her partner from a terrible nightmare by doing things for me, she was actually helping to sustain it, gave it justification for it’s existance. I spoke for hours on end day after day about what I was suffering and she sat and listened, I kept the nightmare alive by doing this. Slowly things began to turn around not long after. I began day shift at work (was on night shift for a year for fear of having to interact with other staff and embarrass myself of running out of buildings or meetings) and faced my fears. I was too scared to go the canteen or even leave my work area, yet now with exposure and within 7 short weeks I am the first to lead the charge to the canteen at lunch time and sit in a crowded group of work colleagues firing off jokes at random just like I used to years ago. No dizziness, no blurry vision, no nausea, no palpitations, no anxiety, nothing. A close work friend put his hands on my shoulders recently and said, “boy we’ve missed you.” My problem is now I never really work that hard, I’m too busy chatting and joking with everyone

I began to turn those “what if” thoughts into “so what” thoughts. It is an instant panic eliminator. If you truly continue on with what you are doing, don’t give the sensation or feeling a second thought or doubt, then there just can be no panic. Nothing launches, no adrenaline is released. This does take practice, but you have to stick with it.

I did have severe setbacks – my recovery was not all roses and sunshine. Sometimes the setbacks felt worse than before it all began. I would lose hope some days, but then as Rocky Balboa said, “I didn’t hear no bell yet, now get up and come back swingin!” So I persisted, kept going, enduring terrifying moments.

Sometimes in life people’s faith just has to be rewarded. Firstly know this, you are NOT mentally ill and don’t ever let anyone try and tell you otherwise. There are those so called professionals and people out there that are so quick to jump to these conclusions that if anything emenates from the brain area you are mentally ill. We have created a subconcious bad anxious HABIT way of thinking over time for which our brains have now accepted as the norm. You have to break that bad habit, you have to face your fears not once, but continually and realise they are nothing but creative interpretations from a fatigued and confused mind. You must stay strong, keep hold of hope and have faith you will overcome this. I along with a lot of other people on this forum are living proof that this can be 100% cured. Don’t read much into anything the cynics say that you can never be cured, most of the time they have not even suffered anxiety or panic attacks themselves, so how can they really give that advice with full sincerity.

This will be the last time I post on this forum as I now have an incredible and beautiful life to go live. Catch up on lost time so to speak. You can still add me as a friend and PM me if you really need me for help and I will be there for you. But I want you to know this. Whenever you think you just can’t take it anymore, have had enough and are ready to collapse in a heap from mental exhaustion I want you to read this post. I want you to read my story and just know from a person who had given up all hope and honestly thought would never get better that there is light at the end of the tunnel of torment and suffering .. and it really is a beautiful light. Life is so good now, even better than it was before I entered this nightmare. I journey off to New Zealand in early September and next year a friend and I are planning a trip to see his brother in the UK, where I will visit places like Paris, Ireland (his wife is from there), Scotland and also Tuscany in Italy.

Bless you Barry Joe, Irene P, Baby Bear, Jim, Dave T, Jenmack and all those others who have helped bring me back into the light. I have never met you in person, but you have my sincerest and heart felt thanks and love always.

In the end, no one other person or tablet could save me. I had to save myself and with the loving guidance from Barry Joe and the kind and caring people on this forum, I discovered the cure. I look back now and think I just can never go down that path ever again, I’m too knowledgable now, I know what it is now. I just don’t even think about anxiety anymore.

I can now sit in traffic with a smile and bop along to a song, stop and talk to people I have not met and get to know them, go to movies, work, shopping, restaurants with friends, I walk tall and proud with my head held high and a smurk that I am a survivor. I take pride in the way I look and feel attractive again. I have no fear of anything anymore, I have no symptoms anymore. I love life passionately, I love my dear friends and work colleagues. I am me again, only better. It’s over, it’s finally over.

Love always
Boromir aka Adrian"

We have some good days and then some not so good days....

My anxiety flared today to pre-acceptance levels. It started this morning...I was just in the wrong state of thinking. I thought I haven't felt anxiety in a couple of days so this weird twinge in my chest MUST be something more serious than the nothing that was found by my doctors. Heart palpitations and ectopic heart beats started around lunch and would come and go. Around the time of the chancellor's farewell shin-dig and 400 plus people in our atrium I could barely breath and felt like my heart beat was all over the place.

Deep breaths, Audrey, it's just anxiety. (JUST anxiety???? I didn't ask for this....I JUST want it to go away!)

But anxiety over what? I don't feel stressed or nervous....

Pound, pound, pound.

Breath....

Google

OMG....I must have anemia, adrenal tumors, heart failure or internal bleeding. I'm going to die. I'm done for.

Rational self: Feeling like some heartburn coming on, take previcid and drink some water....

Symptoms start to subside a smidge. Hmmm....

I get home and slip into comfy clothes and get toasty warm. Eat toast, yogurt and some chamomile tea and almost all symptoms return to normal.

Hmmm....

Guess I get to live another day. Whew. What a close call....

Silly anxiety and acid reflux.

Believe it or not there are actually some upsides to having GAD and PAD

So as I've mentioned before, I think it is important to talk about anxiety issues as statistically more of us deal with it then talked about. I have found that through this whole thing, most people look at me like I may be lose it at any point or that I'm being too outspoken about what I'm going through. Well, too bad.... I have found that one of the biggest parts of my recovery is knowing I AM NOT A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE and that there are others going through verbatim what I going through. So if my story helps just one person feel like "hey, I'm going through that too" instead of feeling alone and scared....well then I'm going to continue being outspoken. (You can delete me if you are tired of my posts!) :)

So....I've been having a thought for some time as I emerge from the darkness and my days continue to get brighter. That thought is there are actually some upsides to this whole anxiety thing....

Sure, the panic attacks suck more than death itself. (At least with death I hope there is no more fear of another attack happening or that awful impending doom feeling---the feeling of standing on a ledge of darkness and waiting for anxiety and panic to finally push me into the darkness, overcoming me and to never to be seen or heard from again) And constantly self-checking with the feeling I'm going to die at any moment gets old. Heart rate is going too fast, head is pounding and tight, OMG I must be having a heart attack or a stroke....where is my 81 mg asprin!!!???? (yes, that has been me on a regular daily basis...I have the emergency room visit bills to confirm) Just being plain scared about EVERYTHING, especially being out of my safe circle of home, family members and friends. Food, driving, activities I normally enjoy (like exercising, going out, and even sleeping) have all been extremely hard to participate in. My thought process has been drinking caffeine will cause my heart to wack out and I'll die, driving takes away from my attention of deep breathing and I'll die, if I exercise I'll get my heart rate up too high and I'll die, I eat something not on the safe list it will have too much sodium in it and cause my raised blood pressure to go too high and I'll die (you get my point)

But wait this was about the positives of anxiety---cuz there are a handful....

• I've dropped 25 lbs and haven't put it back on, even with regaining my appetite....why? Well I still can't stomach red meat or any sort of overeating. Subway has become my fast food of choice, I'm eating breakfast and drinking my Shakeology religoiusly. I take more diet supplements than you may want to know (Vit B complex, C, magnesium, fish oil, cayenne pepper, garlic, hawthorn and flaxseed oil....and yes my doctor knows) I'm now back to a weight I was before I got married. I'm gaining the strength to get back into exercising (my happy shoes miss my feet!) and I believe that will help me lose the rest.
• I know who my friends are. Sometimes, we need that reminder and sometimes when major life events happen, you find you end up cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the duds. I've appreciated every well wish, phone call, email, lunch, text message I have received in the last four months. There has been so much love and support sent my way that I've just been amazed. I am so very blessed with some of the best people in the world to be in my life. It's also been very eye-opening to see that for some I've been there for over and over must have lost my phone number recently. I'm ok with this. You've cleaned out my closet for me. Thanks!
• I am so much closer to my mom. That woman is amazing. She is one of the only reasons I've bounced back as quickly as I declined. From hand feeding me waffles when I couldn't eat to researching supplements and diagnosis' to make sure we were looking at every option, she has been my biggest advocate. She is the only person who truly listened to me go on and on about the newest disease I must have because of how I was feeling. (You all knew I've been in school forever....had no idea I was a doctor did ya??? lol)
• Furthering my belief that my family is awesome. From my dad having me over at his house to watch bad sci-fi movies and feeding me bananas and chicken (safe foods!), to my sister sharing her own personal experiences, to my cousins sending me emails and text messages, and Kelly and Travis being there for me while I was supposed to be there for them....so much love!
• Having to get real about a lot of things in my life. Realizing that I've been coasting and directionless, having a ho-hum attitude about life. Realizing I've been building a bon-fire of issues and that I left myself vulnerable to the match because I've been ignoring myself.
• Talking to God again and being told that I'm going to be ok when this is all said and done. For me spirituality has been an important tool in recovery. So has lots of deep breathing and mediation. I recommend everyone to at least work on meditation....body/mind balance is so important.

So all in all there have been some major positives. There have been some hard and scary times for sure, there have been setbacks and the process has been slow. Unfortunately,its not as simple as snapping fingers and being good again. I have to accept I won't ever be the same again but I'm good with that. It's a growing opportunity and I believe I've taken my illness on with full force, refusing to allow anxiety to scoop me up. Will I still have bad days, yep. We all do. But today was the first day since returning from Florida that I have felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't worry about my BP once today or check my pulse. (And guess what goes down when you stop worrying about both???? Sure brilliance I tell you!) I didn't freak out when I had a PVC (skipped heart beat) earlier this morning, I was the first one in the shower and was almost done with it before I realized that I was standing in hot water and not scared. As with all things, time is my greatest ally (occasional enemy too). This too will pass and I will be able to look at all this in retrospect and say "I AM A SURVIVOR"

Let's get the background story....

Those who are super close to me know that I've been going through a really rough time in my life the last couple of months. While HCG has worked for many and it may have even worked for me, I feel my story is important to be heard as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I have joined a program to help me with anxiety and panic disorder. These two disorders are real and they are not even the slightest bit of fun. There are millions of people dealing with different levels of severity of anxiety and panic disorder and while it may be easy to tell us to "just calm down," "you're not dying," "you'll get over it," for us it is real and it is scary.

So scary in fact, I actually bought an infomerical because it was doing that or the thought of going completely over the edge and going nutty. (Little did I know at the time that this cannot happen with PAD but it sure felt like I was!)

Anyone is suffering from GAD (general anxiety disorder) or PAD (panic attack disorder) please look this program up and see if it's for you. There are no medications, just some techniques that you can read about and download as audio/visual as well as a forum full of people who feel JUST LIKE YOU!!! Look up Panic Away (it's on Facebook and Google)

WIthout this program, prayer, my family (especially my mother!!!) and a lot of love from everyone who cares about me, I'm fairly certain I would still be pinging off the walls and unable to function.

I'm not 100% just yet but for the first time since February 8th I did not worry about my blood pressure or my heart beat and guess what???? I am FINE! (that's liberating thing to say) Will there be set backs? Probably and almost certain as GAD is hard to be rid of (and believe it or not a lot of us deal with it....sometimes we don't even know it)

Anyways.....I want to share my story and the intro I started with the Panic Away forum. Naysayers can stay quiet but if this blog helps just one more person other than myself then it's worth it to share my personal business with folks. I don't wish these feelings on my worst of enemies.

My Story.....

HI!

My anxiety actually started 8 or 9 years ago (but I didn't know it!) I would wake up in full panic attacks at night. This went on for several months and I told my doctor about it and she gave me a few Xanax to help me get back to sleep. I took those for a few times and then realized, "hey this is a panic attack, these feelings are uncomfortable but I'm not dying" and I would go back to bed. They then went away.....until December 2010.

I had an PSVT moment at my gym at my early morning Turbokick class. My heart rate went to 220 bpm and got stuck. 911 was called and the EMTs gave me a medicine that dropped my heart rate down to 148 bmp. By the time I got to the hospital my heart rate was slowly making its way back down to normal ranges. While in the ambulance though I had this thought that these were my last few minutes on earth and I didn't accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish. There was no thoughts of my family or my friends just "I didn't get to do anything I really wanted to do." After staying at the hospital for a few hours and being cleared of heart attack or anything serious I was told I had a PSVT (it's a really long word but basically tachycardia) and that it may never happen again in my life or it may prove to happen more often but the ER doctor was pretty certain that because my potassium was low it was an electrolyte imbalance and that I would be fine (and most likely never experience this again as long as I kept up my electrolytes as I had just gone to a bachelorette party the weekend before)

I checked in with my doctor and was told to wear a 24 hr Holter monitor by a cardio doctor. Everything was fine....blood pressure was good but just a bit of a fast heart here and there as I would get anxious about things happening again. It would be six weeks till my next cardio doctor appt as I wasn't considered a major event. OK...I'm good with this.

I then did the HCG diet by drops. I did it for a week and the panic attacks started. I stopped the drops immediately but the panic and anxiety set in as a wave. Went to the doctor and was givien Xananx but noticed my blood pressure was elevated (140/84) My cardio appt was approaching and I was beginning to get nervous about what they would tell me. Anxiety and panic set in and wouldn't leave. All day, every day for about two weeks. It was then my blood pressure was sticking in the 150/95's. Went to the ER a few times and it would be 170/109 but they would monitor me for a bit and it would go back down 130/90 and then 124/84 (almost where it normally lives). As soon as they went to discharge me it spiked back up to 140/104. I went to the cardio doc where he dismissed it as SVT and surgery would be needed as he saw my Holter monitor go up to 160 bpm, when I asked him where on the test this was seen he said he didn't know as he didn't look at the chart himself. My primary doctor told me to exercise while wearing it so the cardio doctor would see what my heart would do so naturally it would go to 160 bpm. At this point, I don't believe I have SVT and the thought of surgery scares the crap out of me.

At this point I start freaking out, "like what is going on?!?" Primary doctor did every test in the book (plus all the heart tests I had just done four weeks prior). CT scan, adnominal ultrasound, blood work, etc. Nothing. So I was given the diagnosis of anxiety and hypertension caused by anxiety. Doctor said as soon as you can get this anxiety under control you can probably get your blood pressure under control. More Xanax and then Lexapro were given with a diuretic. Well....diuretics don't control blood pressure when it's anxiety related and they strip the body of ELECTROLYTES. Went back to the Dr (actually a different one but same clinic) told her my story and she said stop the diuretic but take the Lexepro and Xanax for onset symptoms. She believes that the HCG was the match to my bonfire of anxiety that has built up over the years. I took the Lexepro for two days and it made my heart palpitations worst so the pharmacist said stop the Lexapro and just use the Xanax for onset symptoms and then follow up with normal check up that I have in two weeks.

Started taking vitamins (doctor is aware) and reading the powers of magnesium and it's importance in the body. Basic things like eye twitching has stopped but the anxiety is still there. I've only had a handful of panic attacks in the last two weeks but I wake up thinking about all of this and I go to bed thinking about all this. I'm convinced I'm going to end up with a heart attack or stroke at times when the anxiety is at its worse even though the doctors have all told me I'm healthy (3 ER doctors, main doctor, fill in doctor and cardio doctor) but I can't get the thoughts of my health out of my head. I've literally been scared that my BP is going to kill me. The Rational person still inside my head (who is getting stronger day by day thankfully) tells the irrational self that I need to acknowledge it as anxiety and move on. It just doesn't help when my chest gets tight and my neck and face get tight and I feel like it's hard to breath and I know that's causing my BP to spike into unhealthy ranges.

I'm 31 years old, female, living in Anchorage Alaska. I've been married to my husband for five years and I work full-time at the local university. All I keep thinking is I want my life back. So I started internet searching anxiety and found Panic Away and actually even found it at 3 am when it was on an informercial when I was having my first bits of insomnia.

Living with anxiety....and here we go....

I'm starting a "living with anxiety" blog as I have had so many thoughts running through my head and feelings and actual physical symptoms that writing it all down may just prove to be therapeutic enough to help get me through.

I've also had a handful of people come out and tell me how thankful they are for me sharing my stories as they don't feel so alone with their own anxieties. I have felt in such dark places through this whole thing, my darkest being when I feel all alone so I'm willing and happy to share. Be forewarned, there will be little holding back. I won't share everything but pretty gosh darn close. Those super close to me should be able to read though some of my lines and get the whole picture but those times will be few and far between as I plan on being pretty open and honest. I'm going to share my experiences through actual panic attacks, my every day anxiety, things that I find helpful through my journey, and what I'm doing in therapy and the medications they have me trying.

Googleing anxiety gets you a myriad of things. Some being absolutely lame and others being down right scary. (My favorite is when they compare anxiety and panic to possibly having a heart attack....I've rushed to the ER three times because of that!) Reading blogs where people have been living with full blown anxiety for over 20 years! (and praying that won't be me) Looking for a cure. (I'm not sure there really is one although my therapist says 90% of GAD sufferers can be cured....although I'm not sure what her definition of cured is just yet.)

I'm going to grab some blogs I've already done that are posted on my Facebook so for those who have been reading my stuff on there, you may feel some repeat information going on....I just want to get all my stuff in one centralized place and then I'll start writing new stuff (I have a little journal full of blog topics)

So sit back and enjoy. Let me know how I'm doing from time to time and know that if you are an anxiety sufferer you are not alone (I have to remind myself of this pretty often).

For now...."good night and good luck"