Some days are great and well other days not so much....today being a "not so much" day. Distracted and worried about my heart as I've been having palpitations all day. My anxiety has been high all day though and they go hand-in-hand. The irrational part of me tells me I'm dying so that's probably why I love this success story so much. I look forward to the day I get there....
"My dear friends
It’s been a while since I’ve been on this forum and my apologies for that. Reason being is that I believe I am now cured from the horrendous nightmare that I have endured for the last 2 years 9 months robbing me of life and costing me so much more in other ways in my relationship, career and general happiness.
This “experience” all began for me back in September 2007. I had an extremely bad virus from which then moved into pneumonia. I finally overcame the illness very slowly, but in the following months I began to suffer all the dreadful symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks from fear of death. Firstly, I thought I was having a heart attack from the pains I was getting in my chest continually. This was the first of the landslide of symptoms, I’m sure you know all about what the other symptoms are so won’t bore you with them. I had recently turned 40 and had issues with the fact I was getting older. Basically my mind was starting to trick me into thinking every sensation or feeling I was getting was the start (or end) of something that was going to kill me or make me faint etc. I didn’t know what “it” was that was happening to me .. and that was half the battle.
I withdrew from life, became agrophobic to a point where I was too scared to get out of bed and have a shower for fear of a heart attack. I made excuses not to see friends or go out to work, parties, restaurants, movies, anything that would spare me the potential embarrassment of having to run out of the building from fear of a panic attack to the safety of home or my car. Panic ruled me and my life. I was put on to drugs like Mirtazapine, Lexapro (put my in hospital that one) and Diazepam. These particular drugs do have a purpose and can assist with the initial hurdle of what you’re facing, but they are masks, a temporary puncher repair kit for a tyre that actually needs changing I like to call it. They can help dullen the sensations and feelings from what you’re facing, but they are no cure. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists and doctor after doctor, spent a small fotune in fees and medicines and nothing worked. Most of the time they looked at me strangely and had no idea what I was talking about, this is a true failing of the health system and the lack of knowledge in what anxiety and panic attack sufferers actually endure.
Within myself I became aggressive, moody, confused, depressed, had hideous disturbing nightmares, no sleep, could not eat (lost 12 kilos – for which I could not afford) would snap at anything or anyone, just like a wounded animal that was suffering. I was not me, I had become a completely different person altogether, I missed my old life, I missed me, I began to forget what normal. I searched the internet endlessly for answers to what I was going through and how I could fix it. I thought I had contracted terrible diseases. Was it diabetes? hyperthyroidism? cancer? Was it a lack of a particular vitamin or mineral in my diet? Was I dehydrated? Or was I slowly slipping into insanity through the stress I had endured throughout my life? Everyday I yearned for this garbage to end, my relationship was suffering and I could see her slowly slipping away from me. I was desperate to get better, tried everything but to no avail. I did not let the cure happen naturally in it’s own time, I was impatient.
So how did all this end and how did I come back to life and being me? Well, firstly it began just before I joined the Panic Away program. One morning I was sitting in bed so dejected, depressed and had given up on life. I got a pain in the left side of my chest and I thought to myself, I hate my life as it is so I just want to move on to the next life. So I said if it’s a heart attack, good, go on and finish it cause I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I completely gave in, was ready to move on and just laid back relaxed and thought good it’s finally over. Within 10 minutes the pain subsided and I was still here. Hmmm, I thought to myself, is this stuff all really a trick? But why did it keep happening continually? It got the cogs turning in my head. I began to do the same thing at work, whilst out or driving. I got extremely light headed, dizzy during this time and again said, right, go on and do it cause I’ve had enough. Then I found Barry’s Panic Away program. In effect I was kind of already doing what Barry was trying to express in his program, but he had gone into much more finer detail in explaining everything. And with his help via email told me I had to go that extra step more in metaphorically jumping off that cliff of fear to see there is nothing to be afraid of. Stay in the situation and ride it out. Initially it tooks hours of agony, but that slowly turned into an hour of agony, then minutes and with time, nothing. I began an exercise regime of running and weights, kept to a good diet, lots of water, no caffeine, no soda drinks, good rest and gallons of chamomile tea (nature’s own diazepam). This on top of doing the mental exercises of facing, accepting and most importantly continued exposure to the things I feared most. My partner and I seperated and I had to start to look after myself. She was my crutch, I relied on her for lots of things and was forced to survive on my own. Although her intentions were kind and loving trying to save her partner from a terrible nightmare by doing things for me, she was actually helping to sustain it, gave it justification for it’s existance. I spoke for hours on end day after day about what I was suffering and she sat and listened, I kept the nightmare alive by doing this. Slowly things began to turn around not long after. I began day shift at work (was on night shift for a year for fear of having to interact with other staff and embarrass myself of running out of buildings or meetings) and faced my fears. I was too scared to go the canteen or even leave my work area, yet now with exposure and within 7 short weeks I am the first to lead the charge to the canteen at lunch time and sit in a crowded group of work colleagues firing off jokes at random just like I used to years ago. No dizziness, no blurry vision, no nausea, no palpitations, no anxiety, nothing. A close work friend put his hands on my shoulders recently and said, “boy we’ve missed you.” My problem is now I never really work that hard, I’m too busy chatting and joking with everyone
I began to turn those “what if” thoughts into “so what” thoughts. It is an instant panic eliminator. If you truly continue on with what you are doing, don’t give the sensation or feeling a second thought or doubt, then there just can be no panic. Nothing launches, no adrenaline is released. This does take practice, but you have to stick with it.
I did have severe setbacks – my recovery was not all roses and sunshine. Sometimes the setbacks felt worse than before it all began. I would lose hope some days, but then as Rocky Balboa said, “I didn’t hear no bell yet, now get up and come back swingin!” So I persisted, kept going, enduring terrifying moments.
Sometimes in life people’s faith just has to be rewarded. Firstly know this, you are NOT mentally ill and don’t ever let anyone try and tell you otherwise. There are those so called professionals and people out there that are so quick to jump to these conclusions that if anything emenates from the brain area you are mentally ill. We have created a subconcious bad anxious HABIT way of thinking over time for which our brains have now accepted as the norm. You have to break that bad habit, you have to face your fears not once, but continually and realise they are nothing but creative interpretations from a fatigued and confused mind. You must stay strong, keep hold of hope and have faith you will overcome this. I along with a lot of other people on this forum are living proof that this can be 100% cured. Don’t read much into anything the cynics say that you can never be cured, most of the time they have not even suffered anxiety or panic attacks themselves, so how can they really give that advice with full sincerity.
This will be the last time I post on this forum as I now have an incredible and beautiful life to go live. Catch up on lost time so to speak. You can still add me as a friend and PM me if you really need me for help and I will be there for you. But I want you to know this. Whenever you think you just can’t take it anymore, have had enough and are ready to collapse in a heap from mental exhaustion I want you to read this post. I want you to read my story and just know from a person who had given up all hope and honestly thought would never get better that there is light at the end of the tunnel of torment and suffering .. and it really is a beautiful light. Life is so good now, even better than it was before I entered this nightmare. I journey off to New Zealand in early September and next year a friend and I are planning a trip to see his brother in the UK, where I will visit places like Paris, Ireland (his wife is from there), Scotland and also Tuscany in Italy.
Bless you Barry Joe, Irene P, Baby Bear, Jim, Dave T, Jenmack and all those others who have helped bring me back into the light. I have never met you in person, but you have my sincerest and heart felt thanks and love always.
In the end, no one other person or tablet could save me. I had to save myself and with the loving guidance from Barry Joe and the kind and caring people on this forum, I discovered the cure. I look back now and think I just can never go down that path ever again, I’m too knowledgable now, I know what it is now. I just don’t even think about anxiety anymore.
I can now sit in traffic with a smile and bop along to a song, stop and talk to people I have not met and get to know them, go to movies, work, shopping, restaurants with friends, I walk tall and proud with my head held high and a smurk that I am a survivor. I take pride in the way I look and feel attractive again. I have no fear of anything anymore, I have no symptoms anymore. I love life passionately, I love my dear friends and work colleagues. I am me again, only better. It’s over, it’s finally over.
Love always
Boromir aka Adrian"
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