So as I've mentioned before, I think it is important to talk about anxiety issues as statistically more of us deal with it then talked about. I have found that through this whole thing, most people look at me like I may be lose it at any point or that I'm being too outspoken about what I'm going through. Well, too bad.... I have found that one of the biggest parts of my recovery is knowing I AM NOT A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE and that there are others going through verbatim what I going through. So if my story helps just one person feel like "hey, I'm going through that too" instead of feeling alone and scared....well then I'm going to continue being outspoken. (You can delete me if you are tired of my posts!) :)
So....I've been having a thought for some time as I emerge from the darkness and my days continue to get brighter. That thought is there are actually some upsides to this whole anxiety thing....
Sure, the panic attacks suck more than death itself. (At least with death I hope there is no more fear of another attack happening or that awful impending doom feeling---the feeling of standing on a ledge of darkness and waiting for anxiety and panic to finally push me into the darkness, overcoming me and to never to be seen or heard from again) And constantly self-checking with the feeling I'm going to die at any moment gets old. Heart rate is going too fast, head is pounding and tight, OMG I must be having a heart attack or a stroke....where is my 81 mg asprin!!!???? (yes, that has been me on a regular daily basis...I have the emergency room visit bills to confirm) Just being plain scared about EVERYTHING, especially being out of my safe circle of home, family members and friends. Food, driving, activities I normally enjoy (like exercising, going out, and even sleeping) have all been extremely hard to participate in. My thought process has been drinking caffeine will cause my heart to wack out and I'll die, driving takes away from my attention of deep breathing and I'll die, if I exercise I'll get my heart rate up too high and I'll die, I eat something not on the safe list it will have too much sodium in it and cause my raised blood pressure to go too high and I'll die (you get my point)
But wait this was about the positives of anxiety---cuz there are a handful....
- I've dropped 25 lbs and haven't put it back on, even with regaining my appetite....why? Well I still can't stomach red meat or any sort of overeating. Subway has become my fast food of choice, I'm eating breakfast and drinking my Shakeology religoiusly. I take more diet supplements than you may want to know (Vit B complex, C, magnesium, fish oil, cayenne pepper, garlic, hawthorn and flaxseed oil....and yes my doctor knows) I'm now back to a weight I was before I got married. I'm gaining the strength to get back into exercising (my happy shoes miss my feet!) and I believe that will help me lose the rest.
- I know who my friends are. Sometimes, we need that reminder and sometimes when major life events happen, you find you end up cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the duds. I've appreciated every well wish, phone call, email, lunch, text message I have received in the last four months. There has been so much love and support sent my way that I've just been amazed. I am so very blessed with some of the best people in the world to be in my life. It's also been very eye-opening to see that for some I've been there for over and over must have lost my phone number recently. I'm ok with this. You've cleaned out my closet for me. Thanks!
- I am so much closer to my mom. That woman is amazing. She is one of the only reasons I've bounced back as quickly as I declined. From hand feeding me waffles when I couldn't eat to researching supplements and diagnosis' to make sure we were looking at every option, she has been my biggest advocate. She is the only person who truly listened to me go on and on about the newest disease I must have because of how I was feeling. (You all knew I've been in school forever....had no idea I was a doctor did ya??? lol)
- Furthering my belief that my family is awesome. From my dad having me over at his house to watch bad sci-fi movies and feeding me bananas and chicken (safe foods!), to my sister sharing her own personal experiences, to my cousins sending me emails and text messages, and Kelly and Travis being there for me while I was supposed to be there for them....so much love!
- Having to get real about a lot of things in my life. Realizing that I've been coasting and directionless, having a ho-hum attitude about life. Realizing I've been building a bon-fire of issues and that I left myself vulnerable to the match because I've been ignoring myself.
- Talking to God again and being told that I'm going to be ok when this is all said and done. For me spirituality has been an important tool in recovery. So has lots of deep breathing and mediation. I recommend everyone to at least work on meditation....body/mind balance is so important.
So all in all there have been some major positives. There have been some hard and scary times for sure, there have been setbacks and the process has been slow. Unfortunately,its not as simple as snapping fingers and being good again. I have to accept I won't ever be the same again but I'm good with that. It's a growing opportunity and I believe I've taken my illness on with full force, refusing to allow anxiety to scoop me up. Will I still have bad days, yep. We all do. But today was the first day since returning from Florida that I have felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't worry about my BP once today or check my pulse. (And guess what goes down when you stop worrying about both???? Sure brilliance I tell you!) I didn't freak out when I had a PVC (skipped heart beat) earlier this morning, I was the first one in the shower and was almost done with it before I realized that I was standing in hot water and not scared. As with all things, time is my greatest ally (occasional enemy too). This too will pass and I will be able to look at all this in retrospect and say "I AM A SURVIVOR"
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